This is a very particular type of time in my life, where I am learning exactly who I am. Though I consider myself a good individual, I am in fact a very selfish person when it comes to certain areas. One of which is my knowledge of how it is like to live in a body that suffers from a Autistic disorder, and I know some of you are thinking, “Well you have given us a whole bunch of insight already”. Well, you would be correct in saying that I am free to give out information, but it is the reasons in which I write these blog posts that are selfish. I have found that I don’t write these blogs to inform the masses, that is a delusion I created for myself, fooling my brain into thinking that I am actually doing some kind of service to humanity. No, the real reason I am writing these blogs is to understand myself. To put all the thoughts and ideas swirling in my screwed up mind in an organized fashion that I may examine and dissect every single syllable, analyzing every single sentence in what almost seems to be a futile effort to understand exactly who I am.
If every single person with Aspergers or high functioning Autism has a head that operates the same way mine does, then that community truly has my sympathies. It’s not easy. Often I have been accused of not thinking enough throughout my life which has caused me to seem somewhat mentally slow to various people, and maybe in the past I might have agreed with them, but not now. When these accusations had come my way, I remember a single similarity that permeated throughout those moments. It’s not that I was thinking, it’s that I was thinking to much. I understand now, and while I can’t say that this is the same way for every person dealing with Autism, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the case. My mind is constantly on overdrive. There is not a moment of mental peace, I am always thinking, always analyzing, always worrying, always predicting. I am never still. I have used the term “raging storm” once or twice in my past blog posts to emphasize this point, and it is the truth. My mind is quite literally a storm of thoughts, a storm that is really only temporarily silenced when presented with external interference (i.e Movies, Books, and Video Games) . It all makes sense to me now, that is why when I am presented with life’s harshest, I regress even more into those external interference’s. This fact about how my brain works is why whenever I am presented with a task, sometimes one of the simplest nature, it takes a bit to register. Thus, some see me as slow. It is a natural piece of my personality, whether caused by Autism or not, it is who I am.
See that right there? That above paragraph is a prime example of why I feel motivated to write these blogs. I would not know any of this if I didn’t write it down. If I have any desire above all else is that I want to understand me. I want to understand what has Aspergers affected in my personality and what has not. I want to understand, because I believe that it is through this understanding that I might be able to be a success. It is through this understanding because I want to be able to be proud of myself. I want to feel good about myself, I want to look in the mirror and believe that I am God’s greatest gift to the earth. I want to have the ego. I want to have that pride, and I honestly believe that I lack these things. When I look in the mirror, I see a man that I do not want to be.
As I have been brutally honest to others, I will be brutally honest to myself. I am a lazy, unmotivated, severely depressed, freeloading loser. I live in my parents house when my own sister who is virtually 2 years younger than me has already gone and moved out into a college dorm room. I have no job and have barely made any effort to look for one. I am failing my classes, and even when I am not, I do barely enough to scrape by. I even don’t even have so much as a ounce of motivation to write that book I have been clamoring on to everyone about. I wish it was as simple as just getting off my ass and just doing it…but it isn’t. I have tried it, and once I think I am getting somewhat there, there is this overwhelming feeling of lethargy and apathy that comes crushing down on me that halts almost everything. Why? Why am I like this? It is that question that fuels the existence of this blog. All my motivation is directed to that single question, because if I do not know myself, if I cannot control my emotions, the direction of my thoughts, how can I expect to go anywhere in life? I want the things I want to do to be as easy as writing this blog. Writing is a natural instinct for me. Words flow from my fingers to the keyboard with absolute and utter ease while I see many a person struggle with constructing a simple sentence. And god forbid I ever catch that moment of inspiration that demands to be put on paper (such as the topic I am typing now). It is like I become a different person altogether, catching a glimpse of the person I want to be. It is like a trance as my mind wanders to the eye of the storm where everything is calm and peaceful, words flow from my fingers without so much as a thought or hesitation,and when it seems that all is said and done, I will go back and reread what I have written, sometimes amazing myself because some parts, some of the best parts, almost seem as if they were written by a different person entirely. And it feel great! The peaceful feeling lasts for quite some time! It is after writing about things I want to write that I feel the happiest, You would not believe how good I feel after all these thoughts are put on paper and organized accordingly. I feel fulfilled. I get this feeling of some sort of weird, twisted purpose when I am done with each post.
So there you go. Self understanding. Happiness. Fullfillness. Purpose. These are the reasons why I write this blog. So why do I do write this for all to see? I could just simply do the same thing by writing in my personal journal, or opening up notepad and typing away. Honestly, I do not know. Maybe it is because I have some immature, pathetic need to soak in attention from the online community. Maybe it is because I want to be pitied. Maybe it is because I want sympathy. I don’t know. All I know is that I will continue doing this until I believe there is no more need to do so. As for my readers, you have the fortunate privilege of being along for the ride, to know what I know. Despite my reasons for writing this blog not being as so noble a course as to inform the masses of what it is like to live with Aspergers, please feel free to stick with my writings. I will finish what I start and whether I like it or not (in which I actually do not have a problem), this blog is an open invitation for whoever interested in what I have to say.