The Selfish Reasons Why I Write This Blog

This is a very particular type of time in my life, where I am learning exactly who I am. Though I consider myself a good individual, I am in fact a very selfish person when it comes to certain areas. One of which is my knowledge of how it is like to live in a body that suffers from a Autistic disorder, and I know some of you are thinking, “Well you have given us a whole bunch of insight already”. Well, you would be correct in saying that I am free to give out information, but it is the reasons in which I write these blog posts that are selfish. I have found that I don’t write these blogs to inform the masses, that is a delusion I created for myself, fooling my brain into thinking that I am actually doing some kind of service to humanity. No, the real reason I am writing these blogs is to understand myself. To put all the thoughts and ideas swirling in my screwed up mind in an organized fashion that I may examine and dissect every single syllable, analyzing every single sentence in what almost seems to be a futile effort to understand exactly who I am.

If every single person with Aspergers or high functioning Autism has a head that operates the same way mine does, then that community truly has my sympathies. It’s not easy. Often I have been accused of not thinking enough throughout my life which has caused me to seem somewhat mentally slow to various people, and maybe in the past I might have agreed with them, but not now. When these accusations had come my way, I remember a single similarity that permeated throughout those moments. It’s not that I was thinking, it’s that I was thinking to much. I understand now, and while I can’t say that this is the same way for every person dealing with Autism, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the case. My mind is constantly on overdrive. There is not a moment of mental peace, I am always thinking, always analyzing, always worrying, always predicting. I am never still. I have used the term “raging storm” once or twice in my past blog posts to emphasize this point, and it is the truth. My mind is quite literally a storm of thoughts, a storm that is really only temporarily silenced when presented with external interference (i.e Movies, Books, and Video Games) . It all makes sense to me now, that is why when I am presented with life’s harshest, I regress even more into those external interference’s. This fact about how my brain works is why whenever I am presented with a task, sometimes one of the simplest nature, it takes a bit to register. Thus, some see me as slow. It is a natural piece of my personality, whether caused by Autism or not, it is who I am.

See that right there? That above paragraph is a prime example of why I feel motivated to write these blogs. I would not know any of this if I didn’t write it down. If I have any desire above all else is that I want to understand me. I want to understand what has Aspergers affected in my personality and what has not. I want to understand, because I believe that it is through this understanding that I might be able to be a success. It is through this understanding because I want to be able to be proud of myself. I want to feel good about myself, I want to look in the mirror and believe that I am God’s greatest gift to the earth. I want to have the ego. I want to have that pride, and I honestly believe that I lack these things. When I look in the mirror, I see a man that I do not want to be.

As I have been brutally honest to others, I will be brutally honest to myself. I am a lazy, unmotivated, severely depressed, freeloading loser. I live in my parents house when my own sister who is virtually 2 years younger than me has already gone and moved out into a college dorm room. I have no job and have barely made any effort to look for one. I am failing my classes, and even when I am not, I do barely enough to scrape by. I even don’t even have so much as a ounce of motivation to write that book I have been clamoring on to everyone about. I wish it was as simple as just getting off my ass and just doing it…but it isn’t. I have tried it, and once I think I am getting somewhat there, there is this overwhelming feeling of lethargy and apathy that comes crushing down on me that halts almost everything. Why? Why am I like this? It is that question that fuels the existence of this blog. All my motivation is directed to that single question, because if I do not know myself, if I cannot control my emotions, the direction of my thoughts, how can I expect to go anywhere in life? I want the things I want to do to be as easy as writing this blog. Writing is a natural instinct for me. Words flow from my fingers to the keyboard with absolute and utter ease while I see many a person struggle with constructing a simple sentence. And god forbid I ever catch that moment of inspiration that demands to be put on paper (such as the topic I am typing now). It is like I become a different person altogether, catching a glimpse of the person I want to be. It is like a trance as my mind wanders to the eye of the storm where everything is calm and peaceful, words flow from my fingers without so much as a thought or hesitation,and when it seems that all is said and done, I will go back and reread what I have written, sometimes amazing myself because some parts, some of the best parts, almost seem as if they were written by a different person entirely. And it feel great! The peaceful feeling lasts for quite some time! It is after writing about things I want to write that I feel the happiest, You would not believe how good I feel after all these thoughts are put on paper and organized accordingly. I feel fulfilled. I get this feeling of some sort of weird, twisted purpose when I am done with each post.

So there you go. Self understanding. Happiness. Fullfillness. Purpose. These are the reasons why I write this blog. So why do I do write this for all to see? I could just simply do the same thing by writing in my personal journal, or opening up notepad and typing away. Honestly, I do not know. Maybe it is because I have some immature, pathetic need to soak in attention from the online community. Maybe it is because I want to be pitied. Maybe it is because I want sympathy. I don’t know. All I know is that I will continue doing this until I believe there is no more need to do so. As for my readers, you have the fortunate privilege of being along for the ride, to know what I know. Despite my reasons for writing this blog not being as so noble a course as to inform the masses of what it is like to live with Aspergers, please feel free to stick with my writings. I will finish what I start and whether I like it or not (in which I actually do not have a problem), this blog is an open invitation for whoever interested in what I have to say.

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A New Blog

I have expressed interest in blogging about certain subjects that aren’t quite as you say, as personal as this one is. One such subjects is the video game industry. I am looking to pursue a career in it as a writer so I am hoping that this blog I have set up will act as a small step towards just one of my many goals. For those of you who are not interested in the subject of video games, then it might be best that you stay away from it, but if you know anyone, anyone at all that will be, might I kindly ask you to direct them my way. The link is below this post. The blog doesn’t have a post up yet, but there is a short introductory text that explains what that blog will be all about.

And for those of you who might be wondering whether I will still focus on this blog or not, don’t worry, I have found out that writing out my problems, issues, and concerns is great therapy and stills the raging storm in my head. It would be virtually unhealthy to stop writing about what I am thinking now. I will give this blog as much love and attention as the new one I have started. In fact, because of this second blog up, I will probably be writing much more frequently, so for those of you who are actually truly invested in what I have to say, this will be great news for ya. 

Expect a new post soon. Until then, have a great tomorrow! 

http://gamingwithjwalker.wordpress.com/

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Master of my own destiny

There has always been one thing about the Christian religion (in which I follow) that has always bugged me. In the bible it states that God knows what life you will live, he knows the future and all the events leading up to it. A persons life is immediately laid out like a path to follow and in the word it says that God expects you to follow this path…..Yet…we have freewill. We can choose not to follow it, and deal with the consequences following that choice. Yet…if God knows what life we will choose, why bother putting the path into existence at all? Some people won’t like me asking these questions, that we shouldn’t question God in the first place…that…it’s all part of a greater plan. Yet God didn’t make us into mindless sheep. He gave us an intelligent mind, freewill, and the ability to constantly ask, “Why”? I know for a fact that some of my readers are devout believers of God’s word, so they will probably start questioning the solidity of my faith when I say that I don’t fully believe 100% of what is in the bible. Let me explain.

Throughout history, the bible has been abusively used as a tool to control the masses by various governments. It has been rewritten, censored, and pretty much desecrated to serve the goals of those looking to control. It is an unfortunate fact, but a true one nonetheless. Today’s current bible is not as it was the first time it was written. What is the truth? What is a lie? Ultimately it is for us to decide, and I have decided to believe certain things in the bible…not all of it, and one of the things that I refuse to believe, is that God is the master of our destiny. Absolute dribble. It does not make sense. What I do believe however is that he can help us live the best life possible. A guiding hand for those who ask for it, but not the weaver of our fate. I believe that the future is never set in stone. The future is a white void, ready to filled up by the choices we make along the way. The outcome of those choices fill the void, and when the time is right, leaps into action. Choices…consequences…all of this is a result of freewill…and freewill determines are fate.

Fate.

Destiny.

I am going to stop using these terms, as I don’t believe in them either. What I do believe in though, is the future. Words like Fate and Destiny suggest that your future is set in stone….Anything that says that the future is set in stone is a notion I will rebel against as hard as I rebelled against the S.O.P.A (stop online piracy act). It spits on the notion of freewill. It is a personal insult to God himself considering that it is his greatest gift to humanity next to sending his son to die on the cross. So what does all of this have to do with what I am about to say? Well the purpose of writing this is to make a digital documentation of a proclamation that I will no longer subject myself to the whims of others. Any parent from here on now will not determine what is most important to me, any boss I have in the future will not determine my financial life, any choice I make in the future will be because I wanted to make that choice. I will be the master of my own destiny.

Now let me make this abundantly clear, I am a Christian, and believe in many of the stories and values that are laid out in the bible. I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins…what I also believe is that God gave us a free mind to determine what the bible means to us. There are some that will say I am wrong, there are some that will say that the bible is the ultimate truth. Good…say that….it means you have used God’s gift to determine what the bible means to you, but I am adamant in what I think, so just like how I won’t try to force my opinion on you…so should as others not force their opinions on me.

If there was one thing that infuriated me the most though, was the notion that I couldn’t do certain things because someone was pulling the strings, because someone had a gun to my head. This fact couldn’t be as relatable as it is to a working position, with boss and all. Your financial life is ultimately decided by your boss. He could fire you in an instant for no reason at all, and before you know it, your financially screwed. The expectations of your parents could also be another one. You want to live up to your parents expectations but what they are expecting of you is not something you want to do. It is different when you are still in grade school, but when you legally turn 18 and gain the same rights as every single living adult in America, you are free to do whatever you want. A person, place, or thing having any control in anything in my life is something worth fighting against, and it is worth fighting against even more when you realize that what is controlling you is holding you back from how great you can truly be.

It is a situation I know all to well, I am caught up in the middle of it. But the decision to take back my life has been made, so the first vital step towards success has been achieved. Whats left for me is figuring out how I go about this from now on. College is something that I am going to complete, regardless of the expectations of my parents, because there is to much time and money invested in it already. A mistake I have unfortunately made, but I will not blame myself on it to much, the choice was made back when I wasn’t nearly as free spirited as I am now, so there is nothing left to do but complete what was started. But…it is not a major priority. Right now, the priority is to figure out a method to get back in control, and I believe I have found it. It is not for certain, so I will not state it…but it is something that if done right…that if enough work is to put into it….it will put me on the right path….and it will put me one step closer to my dreams and aspirations.

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We Never Forget

I want you, my audience, to imagine something for me. Imagine you are talking to a close friend of yours, and due to maybe something you or your friend said, you get into a small verbal fight. The fight isn’t big, and nor is the issue you are fighting about, it is simply a disagreement between two people. Eventually, one of you decides that what you are fighting about is not worth making a fuss over, so the argument ends, the two of you fume, and you go about your daily lives, still maintaining the same friendship the two of you had for years. The issue is forgotten, and is most likely cast out from your mind, never to be brought up again. This my audience, is how many people operate, as most of you might know. However, according to many people with Aspergers, such as myself…this isn’t how we, the Aspie community operate.

Let me explain, a common trait I have found within myself and others who have Aspergers is that we have unusually good long term memory capabilities. I can most definitely testify to this because I can remember many things from my early child hood life that most normal people can’t even remember that far back. So how does this relate to what I have asked of you all in the paragraph above? It relates because we just don’t take events and situations we have participated in and cast em out when they have lost all relevance…no…we keep things inside. We don’t let memories go. More specifically, we don’t let bad memories go. Now before I start getting comments and mail saying normal people do that as well, let me explain to you all that normal people don’t take things in the way people with Aspergers do. It is the small things that effect us. Whether it be a singular word someone uses, a tone of voice, a peculiar body language, etc. It sticks with us..and more importantly, it stacks with us.

I am hitting on the very crux of the issue on why most people with Aspergers not only have a low self esteem, but also suffer some form of depression. We can and most likely we will start obsessing over situations years ago that have absolutely no relevance to our daily lives. Situations that haunt us for whatever particular reason. We take in the things people say about us, about how we won’t amount to anything, about how we won’t be able to live normal lives, how we won’t be able to ever get girlfriends or just even friends in general. We remember all of this, and as much as we try to let it all go, it seems to be an inert part of our nature. I should know, to this day I still find myself reflecting back to conversations with people that they themselves have already forgotten about. But it is because of just one or several little things during those conversations or events that affected us in a negative way that cause those memories to stick and haunt us. This is especially catastrophic to one’s attitude and outlook on life while they are in school, because no matter how much you try to escape those who dislike you, you are eventually going to be called a name…or physically hurt. Though for myself, I might dare say that what affected me the most were the cruel words directed at me during my time in school, rather than the physical abuse I had to endure. It is said that words cut deep, but for me, and many other people dealing with the same condition, words cut ever deeper, to the point that its scarring. And like scars, we will carry those memories for much of our lives.

If you look at what I have said from a sort of a physiologic view, then maybe you can start to understand why this is a big deal. Imagine almost every single event in which one was bullied in some way shape or form, stacking up onto one another, never to go away. It is a crippling feeling, and we cannot do anything about it. Truth be told, we simply cannot forget. Here is an example I often use, a small story, an event that happened to me in high school.

It was my freshman year in high school, middle of the year, fast approaching the holidays. All the students were stuck in portables cause the high school we were going to was being built. Looking back on it, I honestly preferred the portables to the new high school. The portables had a sort of soul to it, something that made it rather interesting to be in on a day to day basis. When the high school opened, it felt more like a prison, with its barbed gates surrounding the outside of the school’s perimeter, barred windows, plain colors, and rather boring architecture. Anyways though, I had an english class in one of the portables, and one day we were watching an old educational movie called Odysseus, based on Homer’s epic poem. It was black and white with stop motion animation for the monsters. Despite how cheesy it was, I loved every minute of it, though the students behind me didn’t seem to share in my enthusiasm. Instead they laughed and snickered at it, making fun of its look and lack of CGI now present in most modern day movies. Truth was they were spoiled snobs, spoiled by the computer effects utilized in today’s movies and really didn’t know a good movie if Citizen Kane was staring them straight in the face. So of course, wanting to defend a movie I liked, I turned around and point blankly stated, “Stop laughing, of course it looks funny, its old, so it’s a classic”.

“It’s a Classic”, that was the name they called me and goaded me with for weeks on end. For some reason, they found my defense humorous, and decided to use it as ammunition against me to make me feel bad. Any normal person though wouldn’t think much of it, they would probably just shrug it off, or maybe even come up with a clever defense to put a early stop to their games. But me…well…I took it hard. I took it hard because something that I said was turned back onto me and used as an insult. I was afraid to say anything else, because I thought that whatever I said, it would be more fuel to the fire. I was very silent those few weeks, but eventually the name faded away like most terms bullies use…but the constant goading and laughing still haunt me to this day. It is not something I can let go, believe me…I tried…it is just part of my nature to internally keep all the negative things people have said directly to me and let it stew for years on end. Though I guess the difference between me and some other people who also have Aspergers is that whenever I think about it, I don’t get sad, I get angry…which was explained in my last blog post. It is a coping method when dealing with those pesky memories, which explains that while yes, I am quite sure I do suffer from a form of depression, I do not suffer it quite as bad as other people with Aspergers. And from what I have read on other blogs written and managed by people with Apsergrers, I am not the only one that deals with this.

From what I observed, people have other coping mechanisms to deal with this as well. It is what keeps them sane. Believe it or not, there is a high suicide rate within the Aspie community for the reasons I stated above. The pressure of what is stored within their minds become to much to handle and they no longer wish to suffer the pain. That is why people with Aspergers have coping mechanisms. Responding to the memories with anger is one such mechanism, though for me, one isn’t enough. I have another that works just as well. Isolation. My room is my shelter from these memories, and often times I will spend many hours of the day, no matter what weather, sitting in my room, watching TV, playing video games, reading books, or even typing up blogs to simply not have to deal with the cruelties of life. Isolation, is a necessary mechanism for me. I do not like socializing. Oh, I can do it, I can do it pretty well compared to my younger years, but socializing is like going to any educational establishments, I hate it and I always will. The only time I socialize is when I feel safe with a particular person. I will use my best friend (who will not be named) as an example.

Though I do not like socializing, I know I have to go to work, and I have to go to college, so I do so. Obviously, you cannot escape social interaction while doing these things so during this time I just embrace the fact that this presents adequate opportunities to interact with my fellow man. It is because of work that I met my best friend, who also has a form of Autism (it is high functioning, though not Aspergers). It is because of our ailments that we can relate to each other, and be on a degree of understanding that even our own parents have trouble getting to. We are interested in the same things, and we motivate each other. We were practically meant to be brothers. And you see, that is the type of person that I want to be my friend, someone who can have a degree of understanding of what I go through. Because I have Autism, it makes it difficult to find such people, because most people do not understand what it is like to live with a (for some reason, I do not like typing this) Autistic mind. But at the same time, there is a conundrum…I wish to be as normal as possible, and not just have friends who are on the spectrum. No, I also want friends not on the spectrum, friends who are completely and utterly healthy in terms of physical and mental health. But that is almost impossible no? Because who can say that anyone not on the spectrum could even come close to understanding how we feel? Get the dilemma?

And now we come to another coping mechanism, one I see all to often and is a very big mistake. I call it the “Sunshine and Rainbow” vision. People with Autism will put themselves in a box and almost force themselves to believe that there is no dark side to the world…there is no dark side to humanity. They live in a perpetual illusion, a lie created by their obsessive fear to never get hurt, both mentally and physically. You see, for me, my room is that box, but because of life, I have to get out of it and go participate in life’s activities in order to live comfortably. People with the Vision, they take their box with them, and while it may be normal for them, on the outside, to the viewers staring in, they see a weird individual smiling all the time, but they know…and it is as clear as day, that false happiness is a front, a defense to keep out the inevitability of life’s challenges. And while that defense is strong at first, something is going to eventually break through, and when it does…it will hit hard….very hard. More often than not, the people who choose to do this are the people who choose to sink into sadness and depression when the memories begin to take its toll. Which is why one day they decided to refuse the fact that life is hard. They are constantly in denial, and it is the most dangerous state of mind to be in. Unfortunately, even if this is explained to the individual who suffers from this…it will in most likelihood not reach them…no…unfortunately for people like that..they will have to learn the hard way. But if they are able to pull through, realize that there way is not the best way, and act accordingly to that…then they will be on the path to a better future.

So the entire point of this post is to deliver a warning. When speaking with a person dealing with Aspergers, or even those with high functioning Autism, watch what you say…watch what you do. The littlest things will affect us, and it will stick with us. You may inadvertently put us down a path that we do not want to go on, and life is already hard enough as we wage a constant war within ourselves to achieve our dreams and aspirations. We do not need any more enemies to fight.

Stay tuned for my next blog post!

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My Focus

Has it been a year already? A year since I made that first singular post proclaiming that I was going to get serious with my writing? Jwalker….your all talk. Maybe however, I can live up to my words, starting with this post. A topic inspired by a simple car ride to school, the inspiration stemming from a great time of distress in my life where I have encountered the single most dire enemy anyone could possibly face. Myself.

Though I can definitely say that my life is better than most in terms of quality of living, it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows in the world of Jwalker. It has been a hard time of discovery as I begin to truly learn who I am when faced with the harsh difficulties of life. I thought I knew who I was….truth is…I don’t, but now I think I am on the right path. I am starting to understand what I want, I am starting to understand what I need, and I am starting to understand the sacrifices that must be made in order for me to be truly happy.

Cause that is what this is all about right? The pursuit of happiness, the great american dream. To live doing what you love, while making money on the side, but even I know that such a dream does not go fulfilled at a mere night’s passing. No, a path must be laid out before me, certain goals must be met, action must be taken, and patience must be gained. The path, however, is the crux of the issue, as I am beginning to doubt my own. Is it truly the right path if one feels they are not getting anywhere on it? It is a terrible feeling…to feel stuck..to feel like your in an infinite loop, accomplishing nothing…gaining nothing. All you can do…is live…breath…eat…and sleep. After awhile you feel no better than an animal trapped in a cage, stuck in the same routine over and over and over again. The feeling is stifling, and worse, a danger to your health, both mentally, and physically. I should know, this my current state that I am trying desperately to get out of.

Is it depression? There are certainly similarities. I find myself waking up in the morning, not wanting to get out of bed, but it isn’t due to being tired, nor do I believe is it a simple matter of laziness. I just simply don’t want to do anything, the will power is no longer there. How I continue to go to work and school is nothing short of amazing, but I think I can still do it cause somewhere deep within me I know that as long as I simply continue to try, there is a chance things can get better. Simply continuing on will present a chance for me to get out of this sudden slump. But besides the daily routine, I simply do not have the motivation to put in a 110% in all I do, whether it be work or school. I simply do enough to get by…and even then, I find myself not even doing that.

I must do something.

Those four words are easier written than done, as I am acting against the very nature that ails me. To put effort into where there is none. No one however, can blame me for not trying. The existence of this very post is proof enough that I am at least analyzing my situation and attempting to find the best solution to it. So what have I come up with? As I said before, it came to me when I was driving to school, thinking desperately of what I should do. Life was falling apart once more, school was becoming ever more difficult, my job was becoming less desirable by the day, and overall motivation seems to be non-existent. Then it came to me, the reason I am like this is because I am not working towards what is most important to me, or at least that is my theory.

So what is most important to me? I had to think about this one, cause at first I had no idea. So, I simply began eliminating all the things in life I was doing that I deemed non-important. What came to me first was surprising, and I almost denied it outright, but I had to be true to myself. I wasn’t serious about college, about education. If my parents had read that sentence, they probably just shuddered. For all my life they have been telling me how important school should be to me, yet despite what they say, it did little quell my sheer animosity of any educational system. For all my life I had been tired of having to learn things I could care nothing about, it happened in high school, and it is now happening in college. Whats worse is that I can do nothing about this system, yet I am expected to take part in it. For what? A piece of paper? I don’t need society to determine what I can and can’t do, only I can decide that, and it will be through my own choices and actions alone. No, I don’t do it cause I want to, I don’t do it cause I need to, I do it because it is expected of me. I do it out of respect of my parents, cause that is what they want for me. Fine, I will do it, but I plan on the completion of college to be the last thing expected from me.

Luckily, what is most important to me is to be aligned with yet another expectation. Only difference being is that I actually want this. It is something that I have taken seriously at the start of the year 2012. The goal being, trying to find a home. Trying to find my own place. Why? Why do I place this goal in such high regard? It is a matter of value. I have something to prove. For all my life I have been told you can’t do this, or, you can’t do that.    Why? Because I have Asperger’s, because I have Autism. It is widely accepted among the public that those with Autism of any type will never be dependent. It is basically that one thing that if an Autistic can never be, it is being dependent. I intend to stick a big middle finger in societies face and tell them to “fuck off”. This is personal.

Am I sounding angry? It’s because I am. If there is one stereotype that I believe true regarding any sensible individual with Autism that has a degree of self awareness, it is that those with Autism are angry individuals. You know why I think this is true? Try placing yourself within the shoes of those who have Autism, within the shoes of those who can still think for themselves. Now imagine this, as soon as you are diagnosed with Autism, you begin to hear things from people. You are told you cannot be certain things, you are told you will have no friends, you are told that you will never amount to anything in life. Imagine being this fed to you for years, imagine being verbally and physically abused by your so called fellow man for much of your life. What develops within you in that time period? You can either believe them, let what they say determine who you are, and fall into despair…..or…..you can do what many brave people like me do, endure. Take the hits, get back up, and get angry. Let the fury grow, store it away, and let it become your weapon. In the end, anger has become the driving force that has kept me going. It is a potent power, one that will push you through many obstacles, and become your motivation for a great many things, yet it comes with a cost. You are portrayed as an angry person. I once had a person say to me, “I don’t understand why you are so angry all the time”, and I responded, “Your right, you don’t understand. Unfortunately, I am what the world made me”.

You see, for me to truly find my own peace, to find my own happiness, it is my number one overall focus to disprove everything everyone has said about me, and it is simply this, I cannot live a normal life. For me, I am proud to say that I have disproved most of what has been said about me. I have a job, I have friends, I have a car, my social skills are excellent, and I go to college. Now one more thing is staring me straight in the face, mocking me at every turn, daring me to go and conquer it. The hardest challenge of all, finding my own place, is that giant dragon at the end of the cave guarding its hoards of treasure. To those of you reading, please understand, this dragon is the final boss of the game. Defeating this monster will not only silence those stupid naysayers, it will unleash me upon the world. I will be able to focus on what truly matters, whether it be school or my career as a writer. The possibilities will be endless, but for now, I must fight a battle on two fronts, the battle within myself, and the battle to be able hold me up financially in order to get what I want…No…what I need.

I think I know what my problem is. I had been lost in direction, unable to see where I should focus my anger, my motivation in order to achieve what I desire most, and what I desire most, is to be free of the voices of the past, constantly haunting me, goading me, speaking evil into my life. I must thank my own father for bringing this fact into light. Well no more, there comes a point in time where a person must take a stand and tell his enemies, “No! I will not let you stop me, I will not let you ruin me, and I will not let you compromise my future”! Cause let me tell you all a little something I have learned, those who speak such things into my head, trying to desperately drag me down, they do it because they are afraid. They do it cause they see a powerful entity laying dormant within the very confines of my soul. I know cause I feel it. I know what I can be, I know what I can become…and sometimes…the thought of what I can do with the power of my writing alone stirs a confusing emotion of fear within my heart. I am powerful….and so are you.

I see it within those who I have chosen to associate myself with, just as my own parents have seen it within me. I now know their anger and frustration at the fact that I could be so much more than what I already am, because I have experienced this feeling myself towards a friend who has the ability to possibly become one of the greatest creative fantasy artists of his time. When I look at him and his talent, I stare at what he can become, and I recognize it as what I actually have in me. A great and tremendous power just begging the both of us to unleash it upon the world. I can only imagine if both of us were to combine are strengths when we have finally done so…..Cultures will change, people will be influenced, and we will finally be doing what we are meant to do.

As I write this, as the words flow to my mind, to my fingers, and then to the keyboard, I begin to feel humbled by the fact that are God would imbue each and every one of us with such earth shattering gifts. Within each of us, is the power to change the world, and I can only imagine what would happen if everyone living on this planet right now, would spontaneously unleash the maximum potential of each one of these gifts. We would be living in utopia. But unfortunately, many of us seem to be to caught up in ourselves way to much to even see what kind of potential we actually have. This is a mistake, but one that society makes all to often. It will not be my mistake though, I know what I am worth now, and it is high time I work towards it. With the defeat of the dragon, the last wall, the last obstacle holding me back will crumble to my feet. And with that dragon gone, I will stand at the side of my friend, sword in hand, and help him defeat his demons so that he will be free to do what he pleases. I will fight my battle alone…that doesn’t mean he should have to.

This long post is the result of the culmination of hundreds of swirling thoughts permeating throughout my head. It doesn’t necessarily remain consistent, because this post wasn’t planned out, it was free-written. Regardless however, there is one central point I wanted to get across, we each have our demons, and it is usually our demons that hold us back from being who we truly are meant to be, but it is that desire, to defeat those demons, that will ultimately lead you on the correct path. Never give up, never surrender. When you get knocked down, get back up. When all seems hopeless, keep moving forward. Make sure you are constantly putting one foot in front of the other. But lastly, the most important point here…make sure you know what your desire is. Make sure it is a passionate desire, one that defines who you are as a person. Find that right desire, find that right obstacle you wish to get past, and then you will be on your way to becoming what others only can dream to be.

Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! – Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone)

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My name is Jwalker, It’s My 20th Birthday, and I Want To Blog

I have heard about blogging before. Who hasn’t? But being a person who constantly surfs the internet on a day to day basis I have grown increasing aware on how popular blogs were becoming. Unbelievably, being a (self-proclaimed) writer myself, I have yet to start a blog after all these years, which is strange considering I have so many thoughts swirling through my head these days it would seem only natural for me to choose blogging as a prime outlet.

So why have I started writing one now I wonder?

As the title suggests, it is now my twentieth birthday. A landmark achievement if I do say so myself. Never did I think I would by lucky enough to actually live a full two decades. Now that might sound a little pessimistic to many of you but you’ll soon learn that through my writing I have a slightly pessimistic view on life, it is just who I am. Don’t worry, I am not all doom and gloom, but life has many devious ways of making sure that your life ends early and I think everybody should view their birthday as an achievement of sorts. They should feel proud that they have survived the world once more. Now back to what I was saying.

My twentieth year of living has actually been an important one. It is in this year that I have decided to make a career out of my writing, withdraw from my technical college, and start my search for a school that will help me develop my writing skills further. Furthermore, with this being my twentieth birthday, I see it as a sort of major landmark in my life. A landmark that starts the beginning of a journey that will propel me towards a life of fulfillment, and hopefully, heh heh, a life of financial success. It is in this year that I have started to take writing very seriously, and this blog I have started is proof to myself and to the world that I am dead set on making my dreams reality.

So what will I end up writing in this blog? Good question, it could be anything. This won’t be one of those blogs that just focus on one thing. Whatever comes to mind, I will write down. It could be about current events, it could be about past events, it could be about politics, it could be about todays media (video games and movies in particular), it could be about anything. The aim of this blog is not to get people to agree with me, its simply to let people know what I think. To allow people to get a peek into a mind that not even his own family can fully comprehend.

Who am I? To everyone on the internet, my name is Jwalker. I am a twenty year old individual who deals with asperger syndrome on a day to day basis. I am a writer, a gamer, and a all around average fellow who dreams of leaving his mark upon the world. To me, this blog is a small but important journey of an even greater exodus of my life. But it is not a journey I have to take alone. By reading this blog you are already traveling along the road with me, and if you want to play an even greater part in my journey, then leave some comments below, praising or constructively criticizing as you see fit. I am looking to improve my writing, and if any of you see anything that you feel needs improvement, then please, inform me.

And so I end this introduction with this. Whether you the reader are just reading or actively criticizing, I welcome you to my blog, and I hope you enjoy my posts as much as I enjoy writing them. At the moment, this blog looks aesthetically bland, but I am not yet familiar with the hosting sites editing software, which is sure to improve over time, and with that improvement, will come better looking pages. Once again, I welcome all of you to a hopefully eventful journey. As Brom, a character from one of my favorite fantasy books called Eragon would say……

Sé onr sverdar sitja hvass! (May your swords stay sharp!)

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