Has it been a year already? A year since I made that first singular post proclaiming that I was going to get serious with my writing? Jwalker….your all talk. Maybe however, I can live up to my words, starting with this post. A topic inspired by a simple car ride to school, the inspiration stemming from a great time of distress in my life where I have encountered the single most dire enemy anyone could possibly face. Myself.
Though I can definitely say that my life is better than most in terms of quality of living, it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows in the world of Jwalker. It has been a hard time of discovery as I begin to truly learn who I am when faced with the harsh difficulties of life. I thought I knew who I was….truth is…I don’t, but now I think I am on the right path. I am starting to understand what I want, I am starting to understand what I need, and I am starting to understand the sacrifices that must be made in order for me to be truly happy.
Cause that is what this is all about right? The pursuit of happiness, the great american dream. To live doing what you love, while making money on the side, but even I know that such a dream does not go fulfilled at a mere night’s passing. No, a path must be laid out before me, certain goals must be met, action must be taken, and patience must be gained. The path, however, is the crux of the issue, as I am beginning to doubt my own. Is it truly the right path if one feels they are not getting anywhere on it? It is a terrible feeling…to feel stuck..to feel like your in an infinite loop, accomplishing nothing…gaining nothing. All you can do…is live…breath…eat…and sleep. After awhile you feel no better than an animal trapped in a cage, stuck in the same routine over and over and over again. The feeling is stifling, and worse, a danger to your health, both mentally, and physically. I should know, this my current state that I am trying desperately to get out of.
Is it depression? There are certainly similarities. I find myself waking up in the morning, not wanting to get out of bed, but it isn’t due to being tired, nor do I believe is it a simple matter of laziness. I just simply don’t want to do anything, the will power is no longer there. How I continue to go to work and school is nothing short of amazing, but I think I can still do it cause somewhere deep within me I know that as long as I simply continue to try, there is a chance things can get better. Simply continuing on will present a chance for me to get out of this sudden slump. But besides the daily routine, I simply do not have the motivation to put in a 110% in all I do, whether it be work or school. I simply do enough to get by…and even then, I find myself not even doing that.
I must do something.
Those four words are easier written than done, as I am acting against the very nature that ails me. To put effort into where there is none. No one however, can blame me for not trying. The existence of this very post is proof enough that I am at least analyzing my situation and attempting to find the best solution to it. So what have I come up with? As I said before, it came to me when I was driving to school, thinking desperately of what I should do. Life was falling apart once more, school was becoming ever more difficult, my job was becoming less desirable by the day, and overall motivation seems to be non-existent. Then it came to me, the reason I am like this is because I am not working towards what is most important to me, or at least that is my theory.
So what is most important to me? I had to think about this one, cause at first I had no idea. So, I simply began eliminating all the things in life I was doing that I deemed non-important. What came to me first was surprising, and I almost denied it outright, but I had to be true to myself. I wasn’t serious about college, about education. If my parents had read that sentence, they probably just shuddered. For all my life they have been telling me how important school should be to me, yet despite what they say, it did little quell my sheer animosity of any educational system. For all my life I had been tired of having to learn things I could care nothing about, it happened in high school, and it is now happening in college. Whats worse is that I can do nothing about this system, yet I am expected to take part in it. For what? A piece of paper? I don’t need society to determine what I can and can’t do, only I can decide that, and it will be through my own choices and actions alone. No, I don’t do it cause I want to, I don’t do it cause I need to, I do it because it is expected of me. I do it out of respect of my parents, cause that is what they want for me. Fine, I will do it, but I plan on the completion of college to be the last thing expected from me.
Luckily, what is most important to me is to be aligned with yet another expectation. Only difference being is that I actually want this. It is something that I have taken seriously at the start of the year 2012. The goal being, trying to find a home. Trying to find my own place. Why? Why do I place this goal in such high regard? It is a matter of value. I have something to prove. For all my life I have been told you can’t do this, or, you can’t do that. Why? Because I have Asperger’s, because I have Autism. It is widely accepted among the public that those with Autism of any type will never be dependent. It is basically that one thing that if an Autistic can never be, it is being dependent. I intend to stick a big middle finger in societies face and tell them to “fuck off”. This is personal.
Am I sounding angry? It’s because I am. If there is one stereotype that I believe true regarding any sensible individual with Autism that has a degree of self awareness, it is that those with Autism are angry individuals. You know why I think this is true? Try placing yourself within the shoes of those who have Autism, within the shoes of those who can still think for themselves. Now imagine this, as soon as you are diagnosed with Autism, you begin to hear things from people. You are told you cannot be certain things, you are told you will have no friends, you are told that you will never amount to anything in life. Imagine being this fed to you for years, imagine being verbally and physically abused by your so called fellow man for much of your life. What develops within you in that time period? You can either believe them, let what they say determine who you are, and fall into despair…..or…..you can do what many brave people like me do, endure. Take the hits, get back up, and get angry. Let the fury grow, store it away, and let it become your weapon. In the end, anger has become the driving force that has kept me going. It is a potent power, one that will push you through many obstacles, and become your motivation for a great many things, yet it comes with a cost. You are portrayed as an angry person. I once had a person say to me, “I don’t understand why you are so angry all the time”, and I responded, “Your right, you don’t understand. Unfortunately, I am what the world made me”.
You see, for me to truly find my own peace, to find my own happiness, it is my number one overall focus to disprove everything everyone has said about me, and it is simply this, I cannot live a normal life. For me, I am proud to say that I have disproved most of what has been said about me. I have a job, I have friends, I have a car, my social skills are excellent, and I go to college. Now one more thing is staring me straight in the face, mocking me at every turn, daring me to go and conquer it. The hardest challenge of all, finding my own place, is that giant dragon at the end of the cave guarding its hoards of treasure. To those of you reading, please understand, this dragon is the final boss of the game. Defeating this monster will not only silence those stupid naysayers, it will unleash me upon the world. I will be able to focus on what truly matters, whether it be school or my career as a writer. The possibilities will be endless, but for now, I must fight a battle on two fronts, the battle within myself, and the battle to be able hold me up financially in order to get what I want…No…what I need.
I think I know what my problem is. I had been lost in direction, unable to see where I should focus my anger, my motivation in order to achieve what I desire most, and what I desire most, is to be free of the voices of the past, constantly haunting me, goading me, speaking evil into my life. I must thank my own father for bringing this fact into light. Well no more, there comes a point in time where a person must take a stand and tell his enemies, “No! I will not let you stop me, I will not let you ruin me, and I will not let you compromise my future”! Cause let me tell you all a little something I have learned, those who speak such things into my head, trying to desperately drag me down, they do it because they are afraid. They do it cause they see a powerful entity laying dormant within the very confines of my soul. I know cause I feel it. I know what I can be, I know what I can become…and sometimes…the thought of what I can do with the power of my writing alone stirs a confusing emotion of fear within my heart. I am powerful….and so are you.
I see it within those who I have chosen to associate myself with, just as my own parents have seen it within me. I now know their anger and frustration at the fact that I could be so much more than what I already am, because I have experienced this feeling myself towards a friend who has the ability to possibly become one of the greatest creative fantasy artists of his time. When I look at him and his talent, I stare at what he can become, and I recognize it as what I actually have in me. A great and tremendous power just begging the both of us to unleash it upon the world. I can only imagine if both of us were to combine are strengths when we have finally done so…..Cultures will change, people will be influenced, and we will finally be doing what we are meant to do.
As I write this, as the words flow to my mind, to my fingers, and then to the keyboard, I begin to feel humbled by the fact that are God would imbue each and every one of us with such earth shattering gifts. Within each of us, is the power to change the world, and I can only imagine what would happen if everyone living on this planet right now, would spontaneously unleash the maximum potential of each one of these gifts. We would be living in utopia. But unfortunately, many of us seem to be to caught up in ourselves way to much to even see what kind of potential we actually have. This is a mistake, but one that society makes all to often. It will not be my mistake though, I know what I am worth now, and it is high time I work towards it. With the defeat of the dragon, the last wall, the last obstacle holding me back will crumble to my feet. And with that dragon gone, I will stand at the side of my friend, sword in hand, and help him defeat his demons so that he will be free to do what he pleases. I will fight my battle alone…that doesn’t mean he should have to.
This long post is the result of the culmination of hundreds of swirling thoughts permeating throughout my head. It doesn’t necessarily remain consistent, because this post wasn’t planned out, it was free-written. Regardless however, there is one central point I wanted to get across, we each have our demons, and it is usually our demons that hold us back from being who we truly are meant to be, but it is that desire, to defeat those demons, that will ultimately lead you on the correct path. Never give up, never surrender. When you get knocked down, get back up. When all seems hopeless, keep moving forward. Make sure you are constantly putting one foot in front of the other. But lastly, the most important point here…make sure you know what your desire is. Make sure it is a passionate desire, one that defines who you are as a person. Find that right desire, find that right obstacle you wish to get past, and then you will be on your way to becoming what others only can dream to be.
Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! – Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone)